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By Laura Petherbridge
April 7, 1984 was the worst day of my life. It was the day my marriage died.
My husband was having an affair, and he no longer wanted to be married. No amount of crying, begging, promising, or counseling could change his mind.
I was a new Christian when we divorced, but I knew enough to ask God to use the trauma, shame, and agony to help others. Over the last 34 years, that’s exactly what He has done.
Divorce is a difficult subject for the church. I’m not called to be a theologian, but I’m certain we don’t want to ignore God’s commands or give the impression that marriage is temporary.
Divorce also has severe, long-term consequences. No one comprehends that better than I do.
Here are 10 aspects of divorce I’d like to share with church leaders to help them love the brokenhearted while not condoning divorce.
Divorce is a Death
Regardless of the circumstances, divorce signifies the fatality of the marriage vow. It’s the death of the dream, the breaking of the covenant, and the ending of “what should have been.”
It often feels as if death would have been easier because death is natural and doesn’t carry the shame.
Divorce is a Soul-Entrenched Betrayal
It’s a rejection like no other. The person you thought would be your lifetime partner, your soft place to fall when the rest of the world abandons you decides, “I never loved you. You aren’t worth it.”
Divorce Has No Closure
A divorced person experiences the loss and the humiliation over and over and over every time you check the “single” or “divorced” box on a form or your child cries for the other parent.
Divorce is a Gut-Level Accuser
Night and day, the spousal rejection hauntingly whispers, “You are a loser. You are unlovable. You are a failure. You deserve to be alone. Life is over. You will never be loved again.”
Satan loves divorce. It’s a superb weapon of soul-deep destruction.
Divorce Becomes an Identity
It took a long time, great friends, and a terrific church to help me recognize that divorce was something I experienced. It was an event—not my identity.One of the most humiliating tasks for me was being labeled “divorced” rather than “married.” Being labeled a single never bothered me. But “divorced” tattooed an imaginary red “D” on my forehead, which can seem synonymous with “failure,” “reject,” or “ugly.”It took a long time, great friends, and a terrific church to help me recognize that divorce was something I experienced. It was an event—not my identity. God still sees me as His precious daughter, one purchased and healed by Jesus.
Divorce Takes Only One, When Marriage Takes Two
Just because the sin of divorce has occurred, it doesn’t mean both spouses have sinned in this way.
There might be only one who is involved in addiction, adultery, abuse, pornography, anger issues, gambling, deception, drugs, homosexuality, mental illness, outrageous spending, or unwillingness to work.
One spouse can destroy the marriage, no matter how hard the other is trying.
Divorce Isn’t Always Initiated by the Guilty Party
After 34 years in divorce recovery ministry, I’ve found that the men and women who didn’t want to be divorced are often the ones to legally file. These are individuals married to someone who doesn’t love them, the kids, or God enough to do the hard work to keep the marriage alive.
But the culpable one doesn’t want the guilt associated with divorce, so he or she will often withhold money, child support, visitation, etc. to force the other spouse into taking legal action. That way they can say—and manipulate others into believing—“I didn’t file for divorce—my ex did.”
Divorce Causes Those Affected to Dread Sundays
Walking into church witnessing all the nice families and loving couples was a stark reminder of just how abandoned I was. Sundays were often dreaded days I just needed to “survive.”
Too depressed to visit friends and exhausted from flashing my perfect “I’m fine” smile, I collapsed at home.
I would spend most of the day crying. I could barely pray, so I sat by my stereo and sang worship songs, begging God to heal my tormented heart.
Divorce Can Strengthen and Weaken Faith
As previously mentioned, I was a new Christian when my divorce occurred. On one hand, I knew Jesus was the only One who could carry me through the horror.
On the other hand, the feelings of failure, humiliation, shame and loss enticed me to run back to my former life and anesthetize the trauma with alcohol.
I seriously contemplated suicide to stop the madness. My life was hanging by a thread. I teetered between running to Jesus and running away from Him.
Fortunately, my heavenly Father wooed me back into His loving embrace. He became the faithful Husband I had lost.
He declared, “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” (Hosea 2:19-20 NLT).
Divorce Is an Opportunity for the Church to Reach the Broken
Because I was such a young Christian, and in a smaller church, I didn’t realize that not everyone has a pastor to run to for advice.
Now that I’ve spoken and taught in many denominations and churches, I realize how uniquely blessed I was. My pastor provided sound biblical advice. He didn’t encourage me to divorce, but he also didn’t ignore my husband’s ongoing sin.
He gave me questions to ponder, Bible verses to study, and prayers to plead. He was a rock solid influence of God’s perfect truth and grace.
Even though it was 34 years ago, I remember his question, “Are you struggling with knowing who you are?” and I replied, “Yes, definitely. But I’m certain of whose I am. I belong to Christ.”
His confident smile said everything. And somehow, in that moment, I knew I’d eventually be alright.
My passion is to help pastors and church leaders understand how they can help the one, like me, who didn’t want to be divorced. Because even though I detest divorce, I love divorced people.
Why? Because Jesus does.
He longs to heal and restore them, as He did me.
LAURA PETHERBRIDGE (@TheSmartStepmom) is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on relationships, stepfamilies, divorce prevention, and divorce recovery. She is the author of several books, and can be found at TheSmartStepmom.com.
Outstanding article. I am a retired minister and now get to volunteer regularly in my church. Your insight into the dealings of a divorce has shown me things I did not comprehend. Bless you in your work
Thank you so much for this encouragement. I have been praying for several years for God to open doors for me to help church leaders minister to the divorced, single parents and stepfamilies. 62percent of Americans have SOME stepfamily relationship. We need to become educated on how to prevent a SECOND divorce by ministering to this group of ppl. I appreciate your kindness more than you’ll ever know. Under His Wing, Laura
I wish there were churches just for divorced people. When a person would remarry they could transition to a “Regular church” where there are families, married couples etc… The Church is Extremely marriage minded and forget and have no idea what to do with the divorced.
Good article. I’m preaching on divorce and remarriage this Sunday (as part of a series in 1 Corinthians), so this was good for me to read. It’s kind of tricky to uphold the sanctity of marriage, but still show compassion on people whose marriages have already failed – especially when it was due to circumstances beyond their control. This article gives me a good perspective on things. Thanks!
this makes my heart sing more than you will ever know. I’ve been praying for YEARS to reach pastors on divorce and stepfamily ministry. to prevent a SECOND divorce. Under His Wing, Laura Petherbridge
This was an excellent article. It described me 20 years ago. I had been married 31 years and thought that I would always be married. My husband had an affair but I had to take my share of the blame. Thank goodness for God’s love. Most of the thinks you described in your article were my exact feelings.
Polly Burton, I so respect you for your honesty. I know there are times that we might be able to say that it is all one party’s fault, but truthfully, a lot of times it is the fault of both. There are more forms of betrayal than marital infidelity. Granted, I do acknowledge that the Bible teaches that adultery is the only time that it is acceptable if the relationship can’t be repaired. I also acknowledge that my divorce did not occur because of adultery, but I don’t think anyone could have tried harder to keep it together. I hope that people do make notice of what the writer said when she stated the following: “After 34 years in divorce recovery ministry, I’ve found that the men and women who didn’t want to be divorced are often the ones to legally file. These are individuals married to someone who doesn’t love them, the kids, or God enough to do the hard work to keep the marriage alive.” I felt like I went as far as I could without sacrificing my health and mental well being.
I believe 1 Cor 7:15 also points to religious unfaithfulness as well as spouse infidelity as a reason for separation & divorce. My marriage of 26 years ended over my ex not wanting to hold to the promises we made to God & not wanting to be seen as second to God but first above all else in our relationship.
I have had the privilege of a compassionate Church & Minister who led me through a time of repentance, confession, forgiveness & closure of that era of my life. God has since blessed me with a deeply Christ devoted spouse with whom we continue to minister as lay people in our Church. We are His first & foremost so that He can lead us, shape us & grow us to be more like Jesus. Keep up the good work that He planned for you before time. 🙂
May God restore all the years your heart has been broken, sister. He is faithful.
Under His Wing, Laura
Thank you. The whole church needs to hear these words.
I’ve been praying for 30 years for God to open doors to reach church leadership. MANY leave the church during divorce and never return. My heart is with you. thank you for the encouragement!!
Under Grace, Laura
Very insightful article. I would like to emphasize from my own experience from a divorce I never wanted, that it is crucial in the church to teach about “FORGIVENESS” in these matters of divorce. A marriage can be saved even if just one person can forgive, even though the other may choose to continue to live in sin. As a result, families can be restored and family members saved through this terrible disease called, DIVORCE which has seemingly penetrated today’s culture. Christian marriage counseling can be the “game-changer” in situations of separation and divorce.
the problem is many churches teach what forgiveness is, but they dont teach what it ISNT. and thats where many get stuck. they believe that forgiveness means trusting the person again. and often that is extremely unwise. Forgiveness is done by grace. But trust has to be earned over a long period of time. In my many yrs of divorce recovery I’m viewed many pastors tell the person what forgiveness needs to occur, but they dont help them to understand that forgiving doesn’t mean you let the person back into your life, bedroom, or heart until the hard work is done to repair the damage that occurred. sweeping the whole thing under the rug only prolongs the pain, and causes the divorce to occur later on.
Great article. As a divorced minister, I can certainly relate to the scarlet “D” on your forehead. What I wish the church would try and understand is that in today’s world, it only takes one to initiate a divorce, but the church will still abandon an innocent party. This happened to me over 22 years ago. The church doesn’t seem to care that you may be an innocent party to divorce, the fact that you were unable to keep your marriage together spells doom for your ministry. Imagine living with THAT!
Sir, is there really a completely innocent party in a divorce? As a 72 year old minister, I am very, very interested in your reply to help me understand this situation. Thanks for giving me an honest reply. God bless you!
Yes, Bob. There REALLY can be an innocent party. there is normally one spouse that would do anything to repair the marriage, but the other isn’t willing. Just because a sin has occurred, doesn’t mean BOTH parties have sinned.
You can’t talk about divorce without talking about marriage itself. People come from all sorts of backgrounds and situations. If you want to narrow marriage and divorce to only those who were reared in church and their parents lived in a happy marriage, it would be easier to condemn divorce. Many tragedies come from one or both trying to hang on to a bad marriage. Abuse to murder are the extremes. Any abusive marriage or divorce can be devastating to the children or family members. In so many divorces God was not in the marriage at the alter but hopefully comes into their life during their marriage. Some couples marriages last a lifetime without them believing in God. Finally, a happy Christian marriage is a blessing to all around them!
Oh yes there is Bob. We are all sinners, but the choices of one party to abandon the marriage vow and commitment are not both’s fault.
I have heard that there is “no innocent party in a divorce” and in some cases that is true, but it is bologna to say that every divorce is two sided….
and this is WHY I do what I do. Thanks so much for the response!! Blessings over you.
Great message. Thank you.
Has anyone had any experience with divorce as a pastor?
What do churches do when the pastor divorces?
Is there any recovery? Or once the “D” word is attached, is there any ministry left?
Should pastors who are divorced be “the pastor” of a church?
Ten years ago I experienced an unexpected divorce. My wife of 22 years had an affair and demanded a divorce. I certainly have my share of responsibilities in the situation, but I didn’t want it to happen.
I was in an associate Pastor position at the time and had been there three years. I was convinced that my ministry was over and done. My church loved my kids, one in high school and two adults at the time, and myself through the situation. They even sent me for counseling and paid for it. I’m so grateful for the grace shown.
They refused to let me go as a Pastor. I have now been there for thirteen years. Six years ago they celebrated my remarriage to an amazing Christian woman. Three years ago they called me to the lead Pastor position.
My Pastor at the time told me that this would change my ministry. That was an understatement. God has opened doors I never dreamed would open. It has actually made me more relatable to those who are unchurched or have left the church for many reasons. Many are coming to faith and others are returning to the church.
God can redeem from us from anything.
Amazing witness! Thank you for boldly sharing.
unfortunately, pastors offer suffer some of the harshest treatment and thats why they often end up as a pastor in a church that has weak biblical teaching bc the evangelical churches wont hire him. While I totally understand we dont want a leader who is prone or soft on sin, we MUST remember that the blood of Jesus covers ALL sin. If we say a person is no longer of use to God bc of divorce, we are saying that divorce is an unforgiveable sin. And that divorce is more powerful than the blood Jesus shed to forgive that sin. So finding out WHY the divorce occurred is the first step, and there MIGHT be a reason he shouldn’t become a senior pastor. BUT In My Humble Opinion (and I’m conservative) to say ANYONE who is divorced isn’t qualified to lead is man’s judgement, not Gods. I realize its a fragile subject!!
I realize this is an old article and an old comment, but I recently started looking into Pastoral divorces since our Worship Pastor recently divorced. You are right, this is a fragile subject, but I have been looking into it for a very specific reason, he (the pastor) initiated the divorce. She didn’t want a divorce, but he did.
Sometimes the situation is like Wayne’s (above poster), where the pastor doesn’t want a divorce, but ends up with one because of the spouse. In this situation, I have no qualms about said pastor still being a pastor. After all, he did follow God’s law to love his wife, but he can’t force his wife to love him back the same way.
In the situation of our worship pastor, because he initiated the divorce, I feel that he shouldn’t be in a position of leadership since he should be leading by example. One of my reason’s for this is found in Ephesians 5:25 (ESV) “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”
I found another article discussing this very question and as one possible answer, or at least one aspect of it to think of , was the following:
“If a man does not love his wife as Christ loves the church, with gracious allowance for the fact that he is a sinner and not the Savior, then he should not be a pastor. A pastor’s genuine, pure, and spiritually edifying love for his wife is the backdrop of all of his ministry. If a man can’t love his wife with a singular devotion, then he will not love Christ with a single heart or his congregation with a single focus.”
I personally feel that particular statement should be one of the main questions of a divorced pastor.
Now, I posted this on here because of one of your listed aspects, “DIVORCE CAN STRENGTHEN AND WEAKEN FAITH”
First, in regards to “weaken faith,” it makes me feel that the congregation will lose faith in his ability to properly lead and may end up causing problems for the church as a whole if he stayed.
Second, you mentioned the feelings of failure, humiliation, shame and loss. Any divorced person who didn’t want a divorce would feel this way, but it makes me wonder if the person who wants a divorce would feel any of that. I mean, how could they feel shame for a divorce if they were the one who actually wanted the divorce. If he doesn’t feel shame, then how could he lead? After all, marriage is not supposed to be temporary. Marriage is a gift given to us by God. How can we destroy a gift from God and feel no shame? If you feel no shame in destroying God’s gift ….
For abused spouses, divorce is protection. One of the hardest things for me was losing a friendship with someone whom I had shared much of my story with, but who thought I needed to stay legally at any cost. She couldn’t see that the abuse & infidelity were tearing me apart at the seams. My ex-husband showed no signs of true repentance, but the expectation was that I should have stayed no matter what it did to me. To stay legally married would have continued to give an abuser access to my life. I needed more than just my own residence. I needed a legal end to the union.
Im so sorry your friend did this to you. I wish it were an uncommon response but it isn’t. In the church we often “shoot our wounded.” and legalism worships marriage more than we worship the God who created marriage. Just know God sees you, and He hears your cry. He loves you, sister. And He is the answer to healing the wound caused by your ex, and your friend.
Yes my marriage ended after myself attending counselling due to the emotional roller coaster of living with a person with schizophrenia, personality disorder. The church did the best it could however the support was unable to be received by a mind who was for want of a better word ‘unreachable by the church or God’ it culminated in me being beaten almost to death had it not been for a neighbour (God intervention) saving my life. It’s a process of forgiving for myself and the damage to my daughter but God heals. I am divorced however and not sure where I can serve being divorced, perhaps mission field or help abused women who are experiencing what I did?
Thank you very much – spot on all points. I fought with everything I had to save my marriage, but it only takes one to break it up. People don’t understand the abandonment one feels when a best friend forever throws them away. Thank God for my church family for their prayers, cards, visits and for being there when I needed them. A friend and I now facilitate a DivoreCare class at our church – I hope that my pain and subsequent healing can help others.
Thank you for using the pain and scars to help others. It allows the pain to serve a higher calling. I designed my book as a supplement to DC bc many ppl wanted more. it has questions after each chapter to use for small groups. I am a featured expert on the DC dvds. thank you for loving the brokenheated.
Wonderful ministry Laura. I have lived with the stigma of divorce for years. I even had a pastors wife say to me and hat she didn’t approve and what a shame my daughter would be a product of a broken home. I did not choose divorce he did.
I have discovered that many church leaders eventually experince the divorce in the life of a child, or a close family member, and God uses this to help open their eyes to the legalism and calloused remarks. Once they see the pain up close, it breaks the hard heart they have towards those divorced. im so sorry you experienced this. im not sure I would have survived if my church had turned on me too. And I have MANY who write and say “the loss of my souse was horrible, but my church turning on me was even worse.” im so sorry.
Thank you so much for this, Laura. I too was blessed with a great church family to see me through. Your observation that the divorce isn’t always initiated by the guilty party is so true. My hope was that counseling and tratment would lead to recomciliation, but he was never willing, so when I got a job out of state 9 years later I finally filed. Even after all that time, and knowing it was the right thing to do, I felt guilty. And he for sure played the victim! Thank you for your encouraging articles and advocacy!
thank you, sister. God sees. He hears. and He is ABLE to heal. Under Grace, Laura
I’ve been divorced for 6 years ~ after 26 years of marriage. This article is spot on on how I feel. The shame, guilt and feelings of unwanted. A good friends husband died suddenly last year. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing how she was treated over how I was treated. The outpouring of love, support, prayers and compassion she received at the announcement of her husbands death, compared to the silence I received as I did not announce my divorce, no one called when I would walk in and then walk out of church, no one reached out when they did hear. My friend was given praises on how wonderful her husband and family life was. When it did come out that I was divorce my children and I were subjected to numerous statements of dislike for my husband. Thank-you for writing this.
I’m sorry for your huge loss and the huge loss your friend experienced, and I’m sorry that you felt you were unfairly treated in light of what your friend went through. I’ve heard it said that comparison is the thief of joy. Prayers of protection over your friendship and for Jesus’ perfect peace and healing in all.
im sorry you suffered additional pain on top of your spouse’s rejection. Legalism has been around for decades, but it STILL stings when it’s YOU at the end of it.
Know that God loves you, wants you, sees you, and hears your cry. Read psalm 91
Under His Wing, Laura
I appreciate the vulnerability with which you address the situation. However, I would also like to add that there is always another side. I’m a divorcee. I’m also a pastor. I’m alsnot the one who, at that time in my life, was running amok, and the divorce, while initiated, and mostly my fault, was never 100% my fault. There are many factors that are needed to make a marriage work. I often hear or read where people say it was just about s** for him or her. On the contrary, it is about being made to feel like a man or a woman that matters. When that doesn’t happen, any human, will do what they feel they need to do to feel like they are valued. I am currently writing on the topic from a divorced dad perspective. But unlike many of divorced cases, we have gotten along so much better since. I consider her husband a friend and she, my wife. The kids benefit from having us all sit together at family events. But it wasn’t always easy. It takes praying for the other spouse, regardless of who may have been wrong (both are partially to blame), it means being able to point the finger at one’s own self and take blame and publicly apologize. It means many things. But none of those things are possible without Christ. He is the restorer of persons. Continue to do what you are doing and always strive to see every angle objectively.
Please do not insult us widows by referring to a divorce as a death. I do understand that a divorce has debilitating pain, but it isn’t the same as the death of my spouse. Also, if you would like to experience a relationship with no closure, try waking up one morning to a lifeless spouse. A divorce can indeed have closure. I will never be able to experience ANY kind of closure from my husband. Not even close. Please know that I do understand the pain of divorce and am so sorry to those who have to go through it (I had to go through a divorce, too).
Hi Missy. I understand your pain but at least your spouse did not decide to abandon you. He left because of death not because he stopped loving you. He stuck with you till death did you apart. That is where the difference is. Divorce is like rejection or abandonment. It is cruel and cold.
Warm regards
Pat
I loved your book, the Smart Stepmom. You and Ron were there for me in that role when there wasn’t any one else that really understood what I was going through. I have been following you on Facebook ever since. My husband and I are beginning a DivorceCare ministry at our church and we are blessed we have this chance to reach out to both divorcing, divorced and individuals in blended families. This article was so timely. In the process of supporting those going through divorce it’s complex to support them at the same time as not condoning divorce from a Biblical perspective. I think it’s wonderful that you are breaking down the barriers and starting a controversial conversation that needs to happen in the church body. This is how we grow as a body. Even more so, is your willingness to share your personal journey of healing, that is so BRAVE! I am a big fan. Keep doing what your doing! I will follow.
Daneen, thank you so much for such kind words. and thank you for loving the brokenhearted via divorce recovery. I used to do training for DC before they discontinued it. I loved meeting the leaders. I’m not sure where you live but I have 2 trainings/events coming up that would really bless you as you learn to lead. One is near LA in 2 weeks and one is in Little Rock, with Ron in October. My website has details. http://www.TheSmartStepmom.com Blessings, sister.
Under His Wing, Laura
I grew up outside of Bible based church and in a new age religion. It’s hard for someone who grew up in church to understand what it’s like to grow up without this moral discipline and amazing grace and love but it certainly affects your relationships and life in general. So with the decline of church based homes (the fields are ripe but the laborers are few), and this world getting worse as written in the book of Revelations (substance abuse, adultery, murder, etc) it is a fact of life that it takes a sickening toll on marriages.
This article was super helpful and I’d like to add:
Hardly anyone knows and understand what the ensuing abuse, financial hardship, and daily chaos is like to live with someone addicted to drugs. I blame myself often for having to divorce after almost 8 years of marriage in my last relationship. I was the life group leader at one end trying to help and encourage a friend of mine from not divorcing, little did I know, it would be me divorced and not her. I prayed and fasted and went to church faithfully, took care of kids, worked at job and home with chores overtime to make ends meet (because I was the only dependable one to do it) and try to keep going until I was physically mentally exhausted and realized I was enabling a user to keep doing what he wanted to as he told me he didn’t want to change.
What remains unsaid is what you wish you would tell people when they give you the raised eyebrow, or the “How’s your life today?” 30 second inquisition (If you’re really concerned, sincerely ask someone specifically. I’ll share with you). Yes, my ex would stay out all night when he’d say he was just going to the store (I found him at a hotel one morning with yet another story), sleep and oversleep odd hours almost every day, stay in bed with flu symptoms (the sweats, shaking, etc. from withdrawals and say it was a virus, and lose most of his jobs over it, sometimes without a job at months lengths), his family sat at meal time without dad there 75% of the time, drive our family vehicle to drug dealer’s houses, he would warn us and be concerned about “people” assaulting us in home or outside (and drug dealers did show up), I caught him in an attempt to sell drugs in our backyard (he said it was to buy Christmas presents), he lied and broke promises, he stole, sold most everything in the house of value, I was threatened to be killed or have murdered, spit on several times, shoved, blocked in, called names, left behind as he was driving off in secret in the day or middle of the night, and after I got blamed for the divorce and re-married…
And all this time your mind, spirit and body is doing a tug-of-war with you reminding you through the multi-leveled pain that love remembers no wrongs and you ask yourself how can this be love? I know many who’ve made it through, and I rejoice with them because it is extremely difficult. But mine ended.
The marriage covenant is vowed for a lifetime and I meant it, God knows this.
Sundays are indeed hard when you see happy “unbroken” families but I rejoice because that is to be treasured, increasingly rare, and I pray for the success of God given marriages.
If you were raised in church to stay on the right path and have an unbroken marriage, cherish it deeply! But there is forgiveness and hope always, even with what’s been broken, mended, and renewed in Jesus’s name.
Laura, great article! “When your marriage dies” and Divorce Care really helped ground me during my divorce. Thank you!
My marriage was unhealthy from the beginning, and it never turned around. There was blame to go around on both sides, and I was technically unfaithful. It was the darkest time in my life, and 7yrs later, I still carry guilt and struggle to forgive myself. My ex remarried 6 months after the divorce was final. Am I supposed to be punished by never remarrying, although I know my actions contributed, I did all I could to save the marriage?